Houston Press Story Sums Up The Realest

http://www.houstonpress.com/Issues/2006-09-28/news/feature_1.html







I done trieda told ya to recognize a playa....

I already told you to recognize a playa but ima say it again

Mayne we in London mayne. I wish I could process all these photos and make it happen for you on demand, but alas and alak I am only one man, and a drunk, stoned, stupid one at that. SO we sit here and hope that the words will work for you for now.

Today in London I made a 4 hour/$100 round trip to the airport to pick up my wife and then hooked up with Dizzee Rascal who took us to get Jerk Chicken and we saw a dude get arressted for having a gun! Not that that is cool or anything, but it was really something to see in the LDN where they not sposed to have such things. I wanted to pull him aside and tell him to recognize and respect the peacefulness that is Post WWII Europe but then I thought i should just get in the car and get the fuck out of there. The jerk chicken was amazing and I got some cats on video rapping outside with Dizzee for the HoustonSoReal on the Road DVD that will be available for purchase for the first time 24 November. Um did I tell you that Logan Sama, Plastikman, Wiley and Skepta will be at Warehouse Live in Houston for a special Lady Sov after party 24 November? Oh forgive me. We staying open till 3 am too beeshes. I got a couple sponsors in the pipeline, but if you wanna give me some money and brand your motherfuckin ass in front of a LOT of tastemaking Houstonians and a gang of Houston ex-pats, well you can get a lot of bang for your buck (22 Nov. Dallas - 23 nov. Austin - Venues TBA start bidding now). You fuckers need to quit fronting and just put that money in my pocket. When that happens, then, I got you.

Anyway, today was off the chain. Dizzee hit me up early and I told him where I was (East London in Hackney/Clapton bitches) and he said 'Boy You are in the hoooooooood.' and we are, thanks to Dave Stelfox for that. The hood in London rules if you like to eat and drink and such, like myself. Good vibes too.
Anyway Dizzee took me to where he grew up, Bow, and I got some SERIOUS footage for the DVD. You are gonna fuckin freak the fuck out. Distributors put your bids in now cuz I'm gonna kill these fools with their street dvds (Though DJ Chill is gona smash me and end up geting an MTV show off of his, watch. DJ Chill is the next Andy Milonakis SoReal. He's gonna teach you what language they speak in England - it's English).

HoustonSoReal On The Road mayne. Just stay with me here.

Anyway, after the Dizzee Rascal tour of London I finally met my Distant Cousins Hattie Collins and Chantelle Fiddy. Recognize a playa when you see me on the street fools. That's my fuckin peoples. They got that real love for the music. London, consider yourselves lucky, these gurls really care and you lazy fucks beter recognize that shit. I feel that shit.

And they bought me and Melissa and Dave Stelfox - quite possibly the greatest man alive - pints of some sort of Lagerish type stuff. Respect. Safe. Um, I don't know much other London ghetto slang but by tomorrow I'm gonna be right proper with that shit.

Ric and Chill are doing Pirate Radio somewhere with my man Brian Bartholomew - quite possibly the greatest man alive too - and I missed it cuz my phone dont work and well, I have excuses for everything. Get used to it. Yo Yo at Notting Hill Arts Club Thursday night. If you are in LDN and you are not there, you stupit daw. And if you got people in LDN and you havent called them yet to tell them to come out - you suck a fat dick in hell Hater.

I don't know. I'm delirious, a bit drunk, poppin weird Euro pills with Mercedes Benz symbols on them and I am out.

Leave me a comment.

SAY WHAT THIS IS HERE?
DJ Chillizms coming soon.
Lekker Conche's voor alles.

X
X
X
mattdon

Photos from oslo

Courtesy of the good folks at KINGSIZE.

Oslo and Trondheim were off the chain. Amsterdam was hazy but good. Got lots of stories to blog on and on about and 200 some photos coming in a week or so.

Peep this though. PHOTOS FROM OSLO KINGSIZEMAGAZINE KEEPING IT REALLY SOREAL.

http://www.kingsize.no/kingsize/index.php?action=read&id=4305&sc=10&str=

just copy the fuckin link i cant figure out this shit on Ric's fuckin mac and cant remember the html right now cuz im running on fumes literally.

London we will be there tomorrow. Prepare a pint, a couch and turn the telly to Channel U.

Recognize a Playa

Know'm talm bout?

Check the photo above. That's Grandpa SoReal right there out doing the youngsta DJ Rapid Ric and my cousin DJ Chill exponetially. After a clean 24 hours of awakness, these 3 boys landed in Oslo Norway where we immediately procured some hash from a secret unnamed source because alas and alak, we are not in Amsterdam yet, and well I kind of hit the ground running and didn't get any sleep until we hit the 45 hour mark. Yes being awake for 45 hours can be painful, but when you got beer, hash and Europe to work with you should be able to dig a little extra energy from your soul.

Actually i think I may have a problem, but for now we are going to classify my not sleeping and excessive drinking and smoking as keeping it real.

Anyway I dont have time to mess with all the photos I took last night at the thowdedest party I have been to in eons cuz I'm currently on Rapido's Mac and I can't figure out macs for things such as resizing photos and such. I only know how to click the Safari button and type things and then now I know how to Skype. If you ain't Skyping, you ain't living. Hanh. Send.

Anyway peace to Mona be for procuing an incredible TV special on the Houston rap scene. All keller, no filler. None of the goof balls were featured, just the real, including me, in my kitchen, holding Elena, talking like i know thangs. Hanh. Send.

Then Peace to Patrick and everyone at Juicy and Stress for producing a fantastic event. It was crazy to see so many people in Norway doing the Ratchet and whyling out to "Recognize a Playa" and "In the Hood" and "Mo City Don."

DJ Chill and Rapid Ric are a deadly combination. We gonna do more of this. Tonight is Trondheim, tomorrow we hit Amsterdam for a Sunday night affair peep the post below for info if you happen to be in Europe and wanna Recognize I'm a G.

O.k. look we gotta hit this place, I just wanted to try and blog some shit. Just know that Chill and Ric are nockin knockin doors down and that I am now famous in Norway. Serious, people tell me they saw me on TV and as I was walking down the street in Trondheim, every kid with his hat cocked, a rap shirt or a skateboard looked at me like "I know him from somewhere." Cuz Mona B be recognizing a playa. Hanh. Send. Knock them doors down. I'm delirious but still hittin it harder than these young bucks who think Europe is a place for sleep, rather than hash, experience and beers they don't sell at the Get n Go. Hanh. Send.

Weak women

Sometimes I see girls so weak, I really feel like just giving them one tight slap to ask them to wake up!

And I don't mean weak physically - I mean weak mentally, where they would not defend themselves!

Example 1:

For goodness knows what reason, "Eric" was once again invited to play mahjong with us. Maybe he invites himself, hmm.

Now, he owes me $24, which I might say, is a super small amount, but he keeps claiming he has no money and no job... THEN WHY HE STILL PLAYING MJ AH?!

And lagi best. That day we had 2 tables, and he lost $12 to Benny. Still oweing me $20 from two weeks ago (he paid $4 which I used to treat Kelvin and Russ to milkshakes), he paid up the $12 to Benny! Wah pui chao nua! Why he like that one ah?

So anyway, I don't like him as it is.

His girlfriend, is not very likeable too, though mostly she just keeps quiet so that's fine.

But that day, we played mj till freaking 8am in the morning.

That would mean that the best of us bummers are possibly quite tired, and Eric's girlfriend, who has a full-time job I heard, is possibly super exhausted.

Now we were at Ann's place, and Eric's girlfriend has been sitting quietly beside him for around, I say, 7 hours? or so, WATCHING HIM PLAY DOTA AND MJ PLACIDLY.

DOTA! Fucking boring to be just watching!

I don't understand how ANY girls can be such pets you know, just sacrificing their time to do things their boyfriends like to do while being totally bored. YOUTH! Youth is how valuable and only come once! How can they just spend hours doing things they don't like?!

The time that she spent watching worthless Eric play MJ can easily be exchanged for time to do an eyelash extension and maybe a hair dye, making her prettier and worthy of better guys!

*shakes head in disbelief*

Never mind. The girl never made any noise. Not about being bored, or whatever. Just accompanying him.

Now beside the MJ tables were two couches, and the gf was just sitting there, beside this other friend of ours who was happily dozing on one couch.

Obviously after a while (being freaking 8am in the morning and not sleeping the whole night), the girlfriend fell asleep.

Eric hollered suddenly, in front of 8 people or so,

"Next time if you want to sleep don't come at all ok? Very irritating!"

In a super pissed off voice!

If anyone ever spoke to me like this I'd calmly walk up to him, smile and stuff some mahjong tiles in his mouth (mind you, they are dirty like hell and very hard) all while grabbing his crotch to smash his balls to little bits of scum (and cum. WHAHAHA) like his character... BUT NO!

All she did was to quietly attempt to wake up, turn on the tv to a minute volume, and tried not to fall asleep again while her boyfriend lost more money (and at the same time completely ignoring her existance).

If Eric is totally handsome I can understand the sacrifice. If he is terribly rich I can understand too. Or maybe his character is very good? But he is just really scrawny, wears bell-bottoms, not very clever, not very nice, and certainly quite poor.

The only reason I can think of for her sort of tolerance is that he screws damn well, but how do ugly people screw well? Well, I wouldn't know, would I?

(Also, he apparently read the last blog entry I wrote about him and said he doesn't care if I blog about him, so I thought maybe I might write this one too.)

Anyway, the point of the story is: Why are some girls so bloody stupid ah? It's only because there are girls who will take such bullshit that guys become such jerks; because they know they can get away with it!

Maybe, maybe this is what will happen in future for them...

Example 2:

Momo told me about this unfortunate client of hers whose husband fucked the maid.

GROSS.

The poor lady came over to our place and stayed for hours, not willing to go home to see witness her poor plight.

Now she is not a looker, and is really softspoken. She had school till sec 4 maybe, and since then have worked in her husband's minimart (who is owned by the mother-in-law) all her life, slogging and giving birth to 4 children for him. (1 mth to 6 years old)

The husband then had a freaking affair with the maid, and guess what? HE WANTED HER TO STAY ON IN THE FAMILY! He wanted the wife to accept that he was in love with her, and that she was to not send the maid back!

THEN WHAT THE CHILDREN GROW UP TO CALL THE MAID MOM AH?!

I CANNOT believe that that guy had the atrocity to have such a demand at all!

The stupid wife wanted to send the maid back, but the husband found the hidden passport and kept it, so she (said) she couldn't do anything. *roll eyes*

All she did was to cry.

The husband and the maid would disappear for hours on end, leaving the minimart and children under her care, and they would COME BACK WITH LOVE BITES ALL OVER.

As if it's not enough, the maid also didn't do her work, and would hit the kids and pull their hair! OMG. It's a one month old baby, and the wife let the slut maid take care of her kids! How stupid is she?

The maid would also throw things around when she is angry, and the HUSBAND DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Can you imagine? Not only you have to live in the same damn house as the other cheap woman your husband is fucking, you have to pay her money, and also take in her tantrums!

Wah that maid is really horrible.

The cb husband would fondle and massage the maid publicly in the minimart, and there was once an auntie who was a regular customer came in, went to the cashier, and told the wife, "Wah, can like that, very good hor, do work for you, and can touch her somemore! Can like that ah?" in Hokkien.

The wife just kept quiet, and at night, she told the husband not to do such things in public (what, only in public cannot ah?!), because people will talk.

The husband shouted at her back again, so she called Momo to cry.

-_-

And oh yeah. When the husband and wife quarrels, the maid would stand at the side and SNIGGER.

Oh I tell you, if that maid is mine she would have been slapped around 10 thousand times already. In fact, I might bite off her nipple. Both of them. (Joke, get it?)

I was like, "Why doesn't she tell the agency that the maid has been doing this?" but Momo said that she was afraid the husband would have to go to jail for fucking the help. WHICH HE TOTALLY DESERVES I SAY!

Anyway, so this silly wife didn't do anything, until Momo, being a heroine, stepped in and, together with the wife's brother, had an ultimatum showdown with the husband.

Either he gives the passport to them, or they will report him to Ministry of Manpower and make him go to damn jail! (which is too good for unrepenting scum like that)

So he did (give the passport, not go to jail), and the maid was sent back today. In the airport she kept sms-ing the husband, and when the agency people told her to stop, she went to throw another fit and broke her sim-card in half.

OMG, I really need to box her so bad.

Today's juicy news just came in, and the man told Momo that he is gonna divorce his wife and use his mom's name to bring the maid back into Singapore again coz he really loves her and he wants to "pursue his dreams".

Momo told him that if your dreams hurt so many people please go and die or something like that.

Please lar, that naive man thinks the maid really loves him. He is like 50, fat, and poor, while the maid is like my age! Nobody but his stupid wife would slog from 6am till 12 midnight everyday for him. Asshole, hope he burns in hell!

4 kids! Poor darlings.

I don't even understand why she doesn't want to divorce him! I will never accept a man who cheated on me with the maid. Goodness knows what 3rd-world STD she has!

I'd ask Momo for the maid's name tomorrow. Maybe we should write a petition to ask MOM to not allow her back in our country. Bloody home wrecker.

*********************

Anyway, the point of the two stories is: I hate weak women!!!!

What century is it now, huh? DO WE STILL STAND AROUND AND ALLOW PEOPLE TO CIRCUMSIZE OUR CLITS?! ROARRRRR! OF COURSE NOT!

How DARE men bully us like that!!!!!!!

If any of my boyfriends ever cheats on me with the maid I will pretend to not mind and forgive him, and exactly one year later boil a pot of really hot oil.

I will then dress up in beautiful lingerie and persist in having kinky sex involving me tying him up.

He doesn't know, but I have sound-proofed the apartment.

I'd then ask him, "Darling, do you know what this is?" pointing to my left boob. He would say, "That's your breast baby..." smiling like a lecherous fool. I would then SLAP HIM and say, "THAT'S MY HEART, BROKEN!"

And he would start to panic because he is bound up and can feel the fury of a woman scorned.

"And Tauruses are very vengeful!"

He would reply, "But... I thought Scorpios are the vengeful ones?" and I would SLAP HIM again, asking him to shut up.

Having planned this for a year, my pot would whistle at this moment, telling me the oil is at it's hottest boiling point.

I would then gently inform him that that's where his penis is going, and chop it off in one swift action MUAHAHAHA!

I'd drop the penis in, turn off the fire, and take my LV luggage bag and fly off to Milan for the rest of my very happy life (having also stole all his money).

MUAHAHAHA! Think castration is a very good punishment indeed. For cheaters, molesters, and rapists. ALL CASTRATE!

And please lor STUPID WOMEN. If you want to get a maid, for goodness sake get a fucking ugly one.

p/s: Momo said her friend is 36, not 50.

Birthdays, concerts, and unhappy presidents

Ah Ghim's birthday!

We met up at Novena Square to eat at a place stupid Wong recommended, saying it is a new restuarant that serves dim sum or something.

Lao niang took a $15 cab fare there, then in the end, they waited for me at the cab stand, saying "Wah lau, Wong was wrong, actually the place is like Ya Kun Kaya like that kind, small cafe only, cannot stay long one..."

Chao turtle that Eekean! She is damn xia suay she even called the place and, addressing herself as "Miss Wong", wanted to reserve a table. She said sheepishly later that it was no wonder the lady answering the phone didn't even bother to ask her the time. -_-

In the new we settled for the new Jap restaurant at Bugis...

Why we always make such bad choices one ah?

We stepped in and the Numa Numa song was playing. What's worse, it is in Chinese! Dunno what see cockroach I not scared scared anymore! Nabeh so disgusting!

We thought that in a bit it's gonna stop playing, but our worst fears was confirmed after we ordered our dishes:

GUO MEI MEI IS THE AMBASSADOR OF THE PLACE!

AND THEY ARE PLAYING HER CD ON LOOP! Which had like 6 tracks!

Omg kill me.

Throughout the dinner we heard the cockroach and lao shu ai da mi song around 6 times.

Nonetheless:

Wong back from Netherlands and Peiying back from India! I am so happy!


With me....

I don't know why so many people like photos without flash, I personally like it all sharp and clear.

Xiao feng trying to force feed Peiying some bland cabbage strands.

We realised this Ajisen branch restaurant is really very shrewd; they keep putting mounds of dry cabbage underneath their food so it looks like it's a big pile of yumminess but actually, you dig it open and BAH. Cabbage.

With Wong.


Their dessert!

Omg, only the green tea ice cream was edible. Look at the white balls with the brown sauce, and guess that brown sauce is?

I suppose most of us will think honey, or maple syrup... BUT IT IS TERIYAKI SAUCE FLOUR BALLS!

Goodness, it's totally salty and not sweet! What an unpleasant surprise.

The jelly pretending to be nata de coco is also just rather plain tasting agar agar.

Ghimz and PY doesn't like it...


Birthday Boy and his small cake!

Next: My shoppings!

I am siao over Juicy bags and terry cloth! I bought a lot of fake ones, see:

And I don't even use them anymore coz everyone else is using them! Bah.

Geylang purchases:

New heels!

Have to bring close-toed shoes to States when I go this Nov, it will be winter!

And a slutty dress!

It's obviously meant for prostitutes (since it is sold in a 24 hour shop in Geylang) but well, I think it's pretty! I love bareback dresses so much... :D

Went to Shuyin's boyfriend's choir concert in

Victoria Concert Hall...




With Wanyi




Poke Shuyin...


She doesn't love me anymore.... :(

Self shots!







Mei!


With her bf... Mine is halfway across the globe!!!!!! :(


3 of us!

We were totally overdressed, but whatever lar.

And when we were eating, Wanyi went to fold a

Ten-dollar bill...



Wanna see Mr Ishak very gleeful?

Just tilt the money to look at it upwards...


And downwards?



Fucking funny!!!!!!!! I kept laughing and couldn't stop.

DJ Rapid Ric & DJ Chill PresentA Few Euro Dirty South Dance PartiesPresented by HoustonSoReal y Mas

Trondheim flyer NOW UP! But yeah man, it's going down and if you are in Oslo, Trondheim, Amsterdam or London please come see us. Malmo, Copenhagen and Paris all fell through. We will be spending a day in Germany though promoting. Hoping to see y'all out there. Please come holler. We will have DJ Chill and Rapid Ric mixtapes + Whut it Dew T-Shirts for sale in every city. We need your money, for real, come get some shit.

Peep this right here out before you look at the flyers. It's about the TV Show in Norway. Peace to Lydverket and Stress and Kingsize and Everyone!


Oslo, you are my city. I love you. Call a realtor cuz after this I may get a summer home somewhere on your beautiful shores. People, I expect to see all y'all Devin the Dude fans out here tonight! Also they will be reshowing the Lykervet Houston TV Special with Mona B and posse. You can maybe see me sitting at my kitchen table with my daughter Elena in my lap being interviewed about Houston. See Devin smoking on my porch. Not sure what made the final cut, but I know it's gonna be throwed. Thanks to Mona B and everyone at Juicy and Tornado and Tommy Tee and Raide and everyone out there for all your help and love for the south. We got more coming. I see an Oslo monthly in my future.


Trondheim, everyone tells me I am gonna love you too.


Amsterdam, y'all already know you're my people. Thanks to everyone at the Melkweg and Statemagazine.nl. You can actually win free tickets to the event by clicking here. I'll be staying in the Bijlmer with my boy Arend. Trying to find a place for the talent to stay as we will be in Amsterdam a few extra days. Certainly could be worse things eh? We accept Euros, Shiva, Grasstacy, Shoes, Eggs, all that shit. And Rapid Ric accepts payment in fungi. Remember that.


London, we have wanted to see you for so long now. We love you too. Please buy thngs from us. The Pound is worth more than the dollar and we need yours.

(PS What y'all know about MC Eiht from Comptons Most Wanted at the Aarhus Tookit Festival October 7th? Whoooooo y'all are in for a treat. Wish I could be there. Hell, we don't get to see MC Eiht HERE!)

Coughee Brothaz Car Wars at the Orange Show Realest Day Ever

I wish I had photos from last nights UGK show in Dallas. Man, they did a Scion Event FREE at Erykah Badu's Black Forest Theater on the south side of Dallas. All reports say that UGK's first full concert in almost five years was off the chain. About an hour long and all the hits. Shit was still lined up around the block after the show and the spot was over stuffed. A free UGK show in Dallas? Come on now. When's the free Houston show?

Thursday night's Scion sponsored Gnarls Barkley show at Warehouse Live was off the chain though.

Scion booking shows with UGK, Too Short? Let's get it going. Not sure who's got photo's from last night but I bet www.urbansouth.us would be a good place to start looking. Heard Money Waters tore it up out there too. I wish I could have, but I just couldn't drive to Dallas with Europe coming up on Wednesday. I'm bout to post the schedule...

But today...

Man, while I was a little disapointed that the show wasn't held inside the actual Orange Show - it went down in the field down the street - I can't imagine a better way to spend my day than how we did today. It was at least 95 degrees with 100% humidity, but whatever, Devin the Dude and company performed an afternoon show (along with Eugenius, LXBub, Caps One, Vatos Locos and more) that consisted of Coughee Brothaz group cuts, solos from 14K and Devin, and old Odd Squad songs.

Cars, vibes, kids, thangs, music, stuff.










Eugenius the misfit of r&b






Caps One, LXBub


LXBub, from Fort Worth


Thowdest Ice Sculpturer - Reverand Butter and Family


Coughee Brothaz


Eva and Elena love car shows


Wood Grain Grippin'


Coughee Brotha Head


Coughee Brotha Ivory


Coughee Brotha Pee Wee




Wendy and Rad Rich being active


Odd Squadd!


Coughee Brothaz






















Domo


Jugg Mugg






Rob Quest








Brent, Melissa, Elena


14K


Witnes, Bristle, Dayta

Man hold up.

Earlier today... DJ Eva had her first soccer game. Next stop Olympics.