KENCING SEMBARANGAN: LA day 1

Finally, I am back in Mike's apartment in Texas, so there I am using his computer (with built-in photoshop 7, hallelujah), his internet connection, and his electricity to present this long-awaited blog entry.

Erm actually I have been at his apartment for a few days now, but I have been, erm, lazing around and watching trashy American TV, so well, this entry is a bit late.

God, I have so many things to blog about!

Speaking of American TV, I LOVE AMERICAN TV!

Man, the shows here are so freaking trashy and I love every moment of it!

In our hotels (Mike doesn't watch TV much so he doesn't have a TV antenna, can you believe it? The travesty!) we watched this show called Maury or something, and man, Americans are so amazing!

Maury's this guy who is like the host of the show, and one big theme of the show is to get women with newborn babies to come on the show, and if they agree to it, they will be given a free DNA test, where results will show who the father of her baby is.

Now the first person I saw was a 13 year old girl, and she gave birth to a son (!) and she didn't know who the father was, coz she fucked two guys - one 16 year old black boy, and a 15 year old white boy.

The white boy wanted to take responsibility, but the black boy didn't wanna.

The girl is Mexican, and the baby appeared to be pretty fair, so she hoped it was the white boy who was the father, but DANG DANG DANG!

It is the black boy! She then ran into the backstage dramatically crying her heart out, and man, with the look on the black kid's face, I was hooked on that show!

The show also had like this woman who came, and her complains was that her husband would treat her elder daughter very well and treat her second child, a 1 year old son very badly.

Like totally ignore him when he wants a hug, and so on.

The reason for his unfair behaviour was that he heard rumours that his wife was fucking around outside, and he thinks that the second child was not his, coz the kid looked Asian, and this man is black.

So this woman right, got on the show, and started screaming at her husband, saying he is so mean to a young, innocent child who is his flesh and blood, and crying and everything.

After that, Maury said, alright, we have our DNA results with us!

TADAH, the second child is not the husband's baby!!

Just so shocking coz how sure the woman looked and everything before the results showed...

They took the quarrel backstage, and the man was shouting at his wife, and she actually shouted back, "Yeah right, I cheated on you, you like to hear that, huh? Yeah well let me tell you, he is not ASIAN, SO YOU GOT THAT PART WRONG!"

I was just shell-shocked looking at these Americans fight on TV.

Maury then asked, "Would you like us to tell you who the father is?" and the girl replied, "No, I know who he is..." and continued shouting at her husband.

Wow.

There were also teens who were addicted to sex, and their crying moms would bring them on the show, and man, there was this one girl who had sex when she was... EIGHT.

I told Mike the reason why American TV is so good is because there are these crazy people who are willing to go on TV to show their craziness.

I think Mike ignored me coz he thinks watching stupid people on TV makes him mad that such behaviour exists, and he is busy doing more substantial stuff, like, erm, reading a book or something. Ahem.

Am I boring you?

Well, here are the photos... It's 523am right now in Texas, with a terrific storm brewing outside, and Mike's in bed waiting for me, so there you go, pictures, without much text.

Or so I say now. I can never tell how a blog entry can end up. Just like I wanted to blog about a snooker/country club ktv session, and I end up writing about handicapped toilets.

And out of nowhere, I get famous for it. Gah.

Exciting! My ticket to LA costs $1,300 SGD including taxes, and it gets me to Narita Airport in Tokyo for my transit!

Well, I only go there for an hour, but still, now I can say "Yeah, DUH, who hasn't been to Japan?!" when people ask if I have went to Japan.

I know Departure timings have nothing to do with you and this picture is absolutely pointless, but I think it brings out the travel atmosphere, so there.

There's smelly Shuyin with my bimbo luggage and queuing for me. She's the sweetest, she went over to my place at 10pm (my flight was at goddamn 4am), and went to the airport with me! And she had work the next day....

Awwww...

She doesn't know, but I am looking at this photo and giving her a virtual kiss on her butt.

Kelvin and Qihua came to send me off too... :D Thanks guys. And Momo and my auntie Susan as well. :)

Fast forward 7 hours, TOKYO NARITA AIRPORT!

I see Japan!

Very predictable

Oooh, I went to try their toilets!

Isn't it so cool?!

I was very jittery when I first tried to wash my butt, coz I have heard horror stories of people who got their genitals burnt by malicious malfunctioning sprays which shot boiling jets of water up their tender parts, and man, I think that's not gonna feel good at all.

I pressed "shower" first, and it shot a jet of lukewarm water directly at my asshole.

It made me laugh and laugh coz it was so ticklish.

Which is, as you can predict, rather awkward for me coz I cannot laugh out loud. With some difficulty I moved such that the jet only hit a butt cheek.

I am shocked at the accuracy of this flush thing. Wonder how many engineers had their assholes misfired at before it hit at the exact right spot?

I also tried the "flushing sound" thing and it made me laugh even more... coz apparently - don't laugh, it's true - the Japanese invented a fake, fake flushing sound to cover whatever obscene noises you intend to make in a toilet.

And finally, Los Angeles!

Finally I get to see my baby again. :D

I was sick with flu when I arrived, so all we did that half day was to get our rental car, and eat at....

WENDY'S!!

So nice to see my name all over the place. :D

And we head over to Hollywood!

Was a good efficient car, but the company, Dollar, charged Mike an untold, hidden fee of $25 a day extra just coz he wasn't 25 yet!

RIDICULOUS! The fees came up to a fucking $600 or so for like a week plus! Total fucking rip-off.

The celebrities supposedly swim in the hotel's pool a lot.

We didn't have time to visit it. Damn.

I found it super amusing that all the Asian places use the same font for its signboards.

Duh, doesn't even slightly look like Chinese characters!

We arrive at the Kodak something something.

I don't remember what it's called but it has many people milling around interestedly.

There, I told you they milled around interestedly.

The weather was like 18 degrees or something, sunlight plus cooling wind. Perfect.

Look who was here!

The year I was born.

Jack Nicholson's hands are so small.

There are also people waiting to take photos with you. Need to tip them tho :)

I can't stop looking at superman's penis. MY EYES!

Look at our nice new car:

It is bigger than your car.

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I told you.

I like these old-school cars.

Mike and me again

In Hollywood there are lots of gift shops that all try to rip you off. They all sell the same things: Cups, mugs, tin plates like car vanity plates, and clothes.

Mike likes this store with Marilyn inside it. She does look like she likes the boob grab, doesn't she? :D

Wooh look, I'm wrapped in a dollar bill!

After this we paid 11 bucks to get into Ripley's Believe it or not.

Considering how a bottle of mineral water is like $3 in Hollywood, I think 11 bucks is very cheap indeed.

I think Mike likes the gorilla.

Hahaha this photo is totally pointless. It is Ripley with some Ubagi woman or something. I just put it here coz I thought the boys might like to see some boobies.

Ha, I think Ripley looks like he is saying, "Woman, have some decency and get dressed!"

And the woman is like "MMMMmmm hmmm hmmm" coz she can't talk as her lips has that big ring in it.

Mike saw this, laughed, and said, "Man, that kid looks really pissed off."

Think this was the funniest part of the museum. It had this giant mirror which urged you to try rolling your tongue, and so I tried to do that.

At the end of the tour, we come to a little room, where people were all looking and laughing at the new visitors who were all stupidly rolling their tongues at a two-way mirror.

Golden arches from its native country

Ewww... Scientology. We tried to find the celebrity center but couldn't.

We went into a sex shop next:

They had a full array of goods to sell!

Nothing like what the miserly sex shops in Singapore offer.

Their sex products had fully naked women in compromising positions and showing their genitals to the rest of the world in a very proud manner!

Wow! It is like watching porn in public man! In a shop!

I bought a garter there for 12 bucks. Cheap! Can't find it in Singapore. Mike says the counter girl, who is a butch, was totally trying to hit on me. Woohoo! I feel pretty and special here coz the angmohs actually like short girls. :D

Performances and hot dog vendors are common on the Walk of Fame.

Mike made me stop to take a photo of him with fellow geek Thomas Edison's star.

Very nice architecture.

And... My first visit into Victoria's Secrets!

Everyone has been yapping on and on about VS, but when I stepped into the store I was seriously quite disappointed.

Their sizes are all so big!

I didn't see that many pretty stuff around that was worth it's price, and as for those cheap things, like undies being 5 for $25 or something, even S was too big for me (or so I presume since it is like way bigger than my normal locally bought underwear).

For once I wished I had a bigger ass.

So yes, I actually walked out of that store... Without buying anything.

Oh yeah? You think I want that? The only nice things I saw in the store was this column of fancy fluffy white bras and panties, and then I saw why they looked so pretty and white: For Brides.

I think Mike freaked out when he saw me looking at those. Ha.

I also convinced the poor guy to go blonde. We are in sunny California after all!