Annual Wreckage Review

"Good season, bakers, good season! A lot of you showed up, some of you made some stuff, a few gave roughly 65%, and I'd say this Easter was our 'best' yet!

"Now, let's review how our new designs performed this year. Elmer? I believe you have some numbers for us?"

"Yes, thank you, sir. [starting slide show] First up, our 'Clown Face Bunny' here made a huge impression in the 3-7 age bracket...

"...but, unfortunately, most were screaming too incoherently for us to make much of their feedback.


"Next up, 'Dalek Face' seemed to garner a lot of attention from college students in particular:

"Plus at least one customer was spotted chasing his girlfriend yelling, 'EXTERMINATE,' so I'd call that a 'win.'"

"'Bunny brick,' however, went over like a ton of itself:

"I think next year we should add a tail."

"Our cross-over design for Passover, 'Rabbi Rabbit', also had mixed reviews:

"Something about an explosive head injury? I don't know. You guys see anything wrong here?"

"'Well, moving on, 'Ninja Bunny' made a killing, in a manner of speaking:

"So I'd say we made a good call on the throwing carrots."


"'Baby Bunny Cake' was also a hit...

"...er, with cats.
"Yes, I know it's strange, but we had several customers wander over from the pet aisle, and they told us their cats loved the feather accents. So that's a keeper right there."

"'Puddle o' Poo,' however, actually got a few complaints:

"It turns out our marketing team was wrong: people only like chocolate icing poo when it's featured on Cake Wrecks. To quote our Marketing lead Stacey, 'Our bad.'"

"And finally, our Simpsons tribute lamb may need to get chopped next year. (Heh. Aheh. Little joke for you there.)

"Ahem. Yes, it turns out, not everyone loves Moe the bartender. So next year Marketing suggests we try a Maggie model, with a sugar pacifier."

"It's gonna be awesome."

Thanks to our Wreckporter Review Committee Kay S., Meghann M, Leanne P., Beth P., Alicia F., Katie G., Caitlin T., & Julia S. See y'all next year!

The Easter Bizarre

I know we've been seeing some odd Easter treats this week, so today I thought we'd get back to basics.

After all, nothing beats a nice, time-honored, classic Easter...

...loaf of bread.

Yep, Easter is now infecting spreading its cheer throughout the entire bakery!

Just look at this happy character:

Cocaine Bunny sez:

"I'm your monkey fighting FANTASY! Just check the tag." [sniff]


Other bakeries are endorsing bunny-cide in more...creative ways:

Because the Alien chest-burster scene always makes me hungry.


Speaking of which, this one gives a whole new meaning to "Alien face hugger":

When it comes to spotting Wrecks, he's all ears.


Next we have the traditional Trojan Rabbit:

Just don't leave it unsupervised come nightfall.

Thanks to Christine C., Sue, Bliss B., Ali M., & Shannon C., who think two Monty Python references in two days is just wrong. After all, everyone knows THREE is the number thou shalt count.

Easter EGGcellence

Ok, bakers, huddle up!

Now, listen: Easter is coming. That means a lot of long hours, hard work, and painstaking effort on your part to ensure we make some of the most beautif...BWAHAHAHA!!

AHAHAHAHAA!!

[wiping eyes] Sorry, sorry! I really thought I'd get through that with a straight face this year. Heehee!

Right: start your airbrushes! I'll see you back here in five.

Bee-YOO-tiful.

Nice aim on those jelly beans, Jim!

And good call on the "Peep Peep." That'll clue 'em in it's not a swan or a banana or something.

Not bad, but I can still see a little icing. Can we get a little more plastic in here?


And speaking of plastic, here's a great recycling tip:

St. Patrick would be proud.


And remember, bakers: the more plastic, the less time, skill, and hassle!

I made this one in 15 seconds.

With my feet.

(Aaaand that'll be $14.99, please. Cha-ching!)


And lastly, I don't actually know what this is...

...but it looks like a really efficient use of time. So let's make a few dozen more.

Thanks to Stephanie J., Angela M., Alexandra M., Shay K., Tony D., Diana Y., & Stephanie R., who think that's supposed to be a bunny rabbit.

[staring in stunned silence]

Well, one thing's for sure: You're not getting a Peep out of me.

Window Pain

Bakers, in case it's been a while, this is your friendly reminder to go ahead and spruce up those window display cakes. After all, without them the customers might have to rely solely on your signage to evaluate your baking skills:

And nobody wants that.

("I'll take a Sahara and two small Mojaves, please.")

Now, your display cakes say a lot about your bakery. Ideally, you want these things to be positive, like "Look! Our cakes don't show the dirt at ALL!"

Or, "Yes, we CAN cut out small pieces of paper!"

Or even just "Divorce!" written in German:

Your displays also showcase the things that are most important to your bakery.

Like spelling:

And the fact that you never make the same mistake more than twice:

And finally, remember: when it comes to drawing in potential customers, you can never go wrong with a really good wizard cake:

Guaranteed to work like magic.

Thanks to Elizabeth R., Mary I., Erin Z., Kate, Catherine C., & C.M., who think that last window might have a few kinks to work out.

The Incredible, Non-Edible, Plastic Clown Head

It's time to talk about the most versatile tool in a baker's cake-decorating arsenal:

The plastic clown head.

Devotees of the Wilton brand know this staple of cakey flotsam has a long and colorful history:

A history made even more colorful when the clown-headed pink dog is pooping a giant pink rose.

(So, in his defense, this clown's poop really does smell like roses.)


Over the years, the plastic clown heads have really gotten around:


And around...


And...around:


After all, they were so darn versatile!

I mean, what better way to perk up your flowers?


Or add a lively accent to that jungle theme?

Think of it as Bozo's version of Easter Island.

In fact, this time honored tradition continues today, only with slightly more modern sensibilities:

Death becomes him.

And the sprinkles aren't bad, either.


Yep, you could say today's Wreckerator knows just how to take these classic tools of the trade and use them to their fullest and most meaningful...uh...

I'm sorry, but do these uteri look funny to you?

Hey! Guys! What are you doing here? Your post was last week!

Ovary funny: don't try cramping my style, funny guys. I know a fellow peon's pro creation when I see one, period.

Many thanks to wreckporters Katie C., C.B., Hannah C., Penny H., Roisin O., Erica H., Meaghan W., & Melissa M., who think you should really read that last line out loud. Just...'cuz.

Way To Use Your Head!

Remember those helmet-shaped cookie cakes they rolled out for football season?

See, you can tell it's a helmet by the two tiny helmets stuck inside it.

Well, it turns out that football helmet cakes aren't quite as hot right now, what with football season being over and all. At least, I think it is. By which I mean: I have no idea. I mean, I suppose I could look it up or something, but that would require a modicum of effort, and who has the time when Modern Family's about to start?

So, let's just operate under the assumption that football season IS in fact over, and then we can move on, ok? Ok.

Now, with football season over...[warning glare]...bakeries have had to figure out what to do with all these helmet-shaped pans. 'Cuz Crocker knows, they certainly can't NOT use them.

(Hey, do you ever get the sense that I'm leading up to something?)

(Why? No reason. Just curious.)

KER-BLAMMIE!!!

Vomiting Cookie Monster.

[dusting off hands] My work here is done.

Or....IS IT?


BAM! ZIP! POO!

Yep. Now that's a triple-header, right there.

Thanks to Adam S., Nicki L., & Krystal H., who still think the Avatar face was better. The spoil-sports.

The WHAT of the Irish?

St. Patrick's Day is coming, and you know what that means, right?

Yeah, well, neither do these wreckerators.

"Ok, team, time to show our Irish spirit!

"Now, quick, make a bunch of dead leprechauns!"

I like it.


"Now the Geico Cavemen!"

Balancing eight apples on your head: so easy, a wreckerator can do it.


"Now the banana split!!"

Uh, boss? Don't you think these designs are getting a little str...


"NOW THE WHEELED SHAMROCK PIGGY OF DOOM! OF DOOOOM, I SAY!
AHAHAHAHAAA!!"

Um.

So.

You guys enjoy your St. Patrick's day, hear?

Thanks to wreckporters Mimi C., Lisa P., April A., Sara F., & Melissa B., who don't think the Irish seem quite so lucky anymore.


Update from john: Some of you have sweetly pointed out ("...and you call yourself a geek?!?") that today is Pi Day. Sadly, we have nearly 14,000 cakes in our archives but very few explore the mathematical joy that is "Pi." However, that's not to say we don't have any Pi Wrecks:

You're welcome.

Easy, Cheesy, "Beautiful"

Bakers, are you running low on flotsam? Is your curling ribbon on back order? Are you fresh out of teddy bears?

Well, never fear! There are plenty of handy flotsam stand-ins lying around even the most basic of kitchens to save you from actually decorating any of your cakes! Just check out these double-duty doers:

- Styrofoam cups

[Image removed at baker's request. Check back sooner next time. ;)]


Add a few fake flowers snatched off your break room centerpiece, and voila! Instant flower vase!

- The Dollar Store's Clearance Bin

Granted, you'll have to pop next door to Duffy's Dollar Doo-Dad Depot, but the options there are virtually limitless:

And you thought you'd have to learn how to pipe roses. [shaking head] Tsk, tsk.


Or, if your budget is tight, just raid

- your kid's toy chest:

The good news is this isn't ridiculous AT ALL.

'Course, if you want something edible, (spoilsport) you could always go with

- ice cream cones:

Just be sure to fill them completely with icing. Remember: any bite of chocolate chip cookie without a mouthful of frosting is a bite wasted!

Or, for those extra special occasions,

- a dog bone:

Yeah. Chew on that, birthday boy.

Or, "impending-hip-surgery-boy," as the case may be.

Thanks to Laura, Mrs. McCutie, Erica D., Lisa, Sarah G., and Seth F., who all have a bone to pick with these wreckerators. Preferably one in chocolate.

Project Wreckway

Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"

{moments later}

Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."

Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."

Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."

Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."

Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."

*

Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."

Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."

Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."


Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."

Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."


Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."

Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."

Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."

Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."

*

Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."

Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."

Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."

Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."

Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.