I'll Drink to That!

HAPPY MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Woohoo! Way to get all independent and stuff, Mexico!

(Pass the Corona.)

Wait. What? It's *not* Mexican Independence Day? But it makes so much sense: we have 4th of July, they have 5 of Mayo - it's perfect! And we can drink to that!

Well, fine.

HAPPY EDIBLE SOMBRERO DAY!!

Yes, it's a sombrero. Trust me.

So are these:

Lovely little piles of...sombreros.

And this:

We just need to keep drinking until they make sense!

(Pass the Corona.)

Hmm? What's that? I still don't have it right? UG. Fine.

[consulting Wikipedia]

A-HA! Here we go. Sorry about the previous confusion, guys.

HAPPY "EAT A MEXICAN" DAY!!

Whoah. If ever a cake needed beer goggles...

But wait, there's more!

And more...

And more...

And lots, lots more:

Plus another sombrero. Huzzah.


NOW can we head to the bar?

I think I need a drink.

Thanks to Andrea E., Selana, Danielle H., Mary H., Lauren R., Ashley A., Anony M., Melanie, & Sarah D., who think we should always celebrate cultural diversity with cake head effigies and 2-for-1 happy hours.


Notes from john: Just a couple of things to remember-
1. Mexican Independence Day is September 16th.
2. We didn't make the cakes.
3. Thank you.

Paper View

Edible paper. Edible paper. EDIBLE PAPER!! Amaze your friends! Astound your coworkers! All you need is...EDIBLE PAPER!!!

(The following message is brought to you by the National Board of Edible Paper and Non-edible Babies.)

Hey there, baker! Lonely sheet cakes got ya down?

[defeated trombone slide]

No worries. Now you can turn this:

"Boo! That's so BORING and PHOTOLESS!"

...Into THIS!

"Wow! Is that paper? That you can EAT??"

Yes, it is! And now your bakery can make literally trillions of dollars with a little help from this fabulous product, known as...

EDIBLE PAPER!!!

With Edible Paper (and our conveniently included vehicle clip-art starter pack), you can...

Cut costs!

---What better, more cost effective way is there to celebrate a bride-to-be's journey than with...

...recreational vehicle clip-art?

With a few roses and a stick figure bride, this shower cake is ready to roll!

Save time!

---Why waste precious hours fumbling with piping bags when it takes only a second to hit "Print?"

And it's still just as meaningful.

It's EASY!

---No artistic talent? No problem!! Hearts are difficult to draw, but an edible hearse is just a keystroke away!

Death becomes it!

Yes, with Edible Paper, you are only limited by your Imagination*!

*Imagination clip-art packs sold separately.

Now, don't put away that "Eternal Rest" photo pack just yet; when a customer asks you to "just make it nice ," it's really your time to shine!

You can rest in peace knowing your customer is happy.

Do you love fried chicken? I mean, LOVE love it? But not so much that you want to eat anything that actually tastes like fried chicken? Then you're in luck!

It's finger lickin' great!

Edible Paper!
EDIBLE PAPER!
EDIBLE PAPER!!!

Edible Paper. Transforming your baby shower cakes from this...

Into this:

You're welcome.

Thanks to Susan H., Liana E., Nathan S., Dana H., Taryn, Kerry M., Adam D., Wendy M., Mollie B., who think these cakes look pretty tearable.

Passover These Wrecks

During the celebration of Passover, it's traditional for participants to avoid all types of leavening, like yeast. In fact, you could say this is one of the most important, key features of the entire celebration.

So maybe someone should tell these bakers.

Let's hope it ages well.

Now, before I start an Epcot here: yes, there *are* flour-less Passover cakes and pastries.

But I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them:

And if there's time, Google "Passover."

And then return that Wonders of the Pyramids gift book.

During Passover there is a special dinner called the Seder, which is used to recount the Exodus story and teach the younger generations. It is very Jewish. By which I mean, if you're *not* Jewish, or of the Jewish faith, then you're probably not celebrating the Seder. And, at least to my knowledge, there are no Buddhist Seders or New Age Seders or Ed Hardy Seders; Jews pretty much have a corner on the Seder market.

Why do I bring this up?

Well...

Yeeeah.

Hey, is this like wishing someone a "Merry Christian Lent"?

'Cuz I'm totally doing that now.

(Although, all things being equal, maybe I should write it on a chocolate bar.)

Thanks to today's Wreckporters Evelyn G., Amy K., & Alana M. for getting a rise out of these Wrecks.

Update from john: [rubbing temples] To those of you currently chilling in the Epcot Bunker™, yes, anyone can make a lovely Seder. Apparently there are [insert comment count here] non-Jews doing so.

It's still Jewish.

That is all.

Through Sick and Gin

They say you never appreciate your health and home until you're eight hundred miles away from home hacking up a proverbial lung in a not-so-proverbial Microtel with suspicious sheets and a broken A/C unit.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Who are these mysterious "they?" And how do they gain their all-encompassing knowledge? And what, exactly, do sheets have to be suspicious OF?

(Have I mentioned yet that I've been taking a lot of Robitussin? No? Excellent.)

And so, in conclusion, I'm writing myself a Get Well post from all of you. Because I know you care. And I probably won't remember any of this tomorrow anyway. (Another hot toddy? Don't mind if I do!)

Meth? Why, yeth, thith cake ITH a "meth."

Actually it's "Jen."
And hey, I'm right here!
I mean, just because someone is humming the theme song to 2001 while rocking a doll made entirely of used Kleenex doesn't mean she can't hear you.

(Daaaa. Daaaa...DAA DUMMM!!)

Now, maybe this is that last Airborne margarita talking, or the honey-soaked onions, or the Vick's vapor rub squishing between my toes, but... is that a sick Bilbo Baggins wishing me a happy birthday?

(You know, this guy?)

'Cuz I gotta be honest: The implied comparison here isn't making me feel any better.

(For that matter, neither are the Dr. Pepper enemas.)

(In fact, I'm starting to wonder if some of these anonymous chat room doctors might not be entirely trustworthy.)

Well, maybe a nice cookie cake will distract me from all the yucky parts of being sick.

Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's with the needle? Is this some kind of threat? What ever happened to teddy bears and flowers?

Well, I'm pretty sure that's a daisy.

So I guess that's one long shot that paid off in the end.

(Think it's solid buttercream?)

(And syringe cakes: do they really *need* a point?)

('Cuz I'd say that cheeky baker really injected some fun into his bottom line!)

(Something something spankin' new rear view mirror. Or something.)

Aaaand that's a bum wrap.

Thanks to honey buns Ethan O., Joe A., Katy D., Alyssa R., & Laura R. Now, someone pass me the ginger peel gin, will you? I have a sinus spray to make.

The Incredible, Non-Edible, Plastic Clown Head

It's time to talk about the most versatile tool in a baker's cake-decorating arsenal:

The plastic clown head.

Devotees of the Wilton brand know this staple of cakey flotsam has a long and colorful history:

A history made even more colorful when the clown-headed pink dog is pooping a giant pink rose.

(So, in his defense, this clown's poop really does smell like roses.)


Over the years, the plastic clown heads have really gotten around:


And around...


And...around:


After all, they were so darn versatile!

I mean, what better way to perk up your flowers?


Or add a lively accent to that jungle theme?

Think of it as Bozo's version of Easter Island.

In fact, this time honored tradition continues today, only with slightly more modern sensibilities:

Death becomes him.

And the sprinkles aren't bad, either.


Yep, you could say today's Wreckerator knows just how to take these classic tools of the trade and use them to their fullest and most meaningful...uh...

I'm sorry, but do these uteri look funny to you?

Hey! Guys! What are you doing here? Your post was last week!

Ovary funny: don't try cramping my style, funny guys. I know a fellow peon's pro creation when I see one, period.

Many thanks to wreckporters Katie C., C.B., Hannah C., Penny H., Roisin O., Erica H., Meaghan W., & Melissa M., who think you should really read that last line out loud. Just...'cuz.

Let's Get Physiological

Gather 'round, my child, and I'll tell you a tale.

A tale...of where you came from.

Now, there are a lot of theories out there about how new babies get here.

Some say it's a bird:

...in a trippy oil painting from the 70s.

Some say it's a plane:

"Geronimooooo!"


And some say it's Superman:

Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as the stork.


These are all lies.

And I think it's high time you learned the truth.


The truth is, you didn't arrive by bird, plane, or Kryptonian. You arrived by:

Ram.

And by "ram" I mean "Mommy's magic baby bag."


See, it all started with these brave little tadpoles:

Er...

It all started with these brave gigantic tadpoles.


Together the tadpoles ventured through the winding Fallopian Forests of Ovarium, fought the wily Va-dragon, and ultimately joined forces with the mighty She-Ra in the magic baby bag.

(This is all true.)

And that was the beginning of you!


At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really:

You just floated around, day after day, flicking your fingers.

(*flick flick flick*)

If you're curious where on your mom you were, here's a handy diagram:

So, right armpit during the day, lower hemline at night.

Over time you grew bigger and bigger, and soon your wee little face was scaring the crap out of all our friends:

"Eeeaaaaat meeee."

Finally the emotional day arrived, and your mother and I were simply overcome at the thought of witnessing such a beautiful spectacle of radiant new life. [sigh]

And then a rainbow shot out of your mom's hoo-haw, tossing you a good 10 feet. Haha! You should've seen it, man. It was awesome!


Oh, don't look so worried. You turned out fine.

Thanks to wreckporters Paula L., Elizabeth S., Cariena B., Reed D., Valerie B., Kate M., Ashlee, Amber M., & Anony M., who will never hear "Rainbow Connection" the same way again.

The Golden Wreckies

Welcome back to the 2011 Golden Wreckies! I'm your host, Nicky Ganache, and for this segment I'll be talking about myself in the third person.

Nicky can hear you booing, everyone. Don't make Nicky get the hand puppets out again.

Okay, our next award is in the category of Best Supporting Role. And the nominees are:

"The Pastor's Podium"
in Falling Down

"The Flower Girl's Chiclets"

in The Abyss

and...

"A Hope and a Prayer"

in Beaches

And the award for Best Supporting Role goes to.... 'The Flower Girl's Chiclets!' Yes, brilliant. I loved them in JAWS.

Now on to our second category, the award for Best Writing in a Comedic Role. (I actually wrote a hilarious cake this year myself, but, surprise surprise, it's not "eligible." Yeah. They even used air quotes.)

Anyway, the nominees are:

"Cowboys Undeafted"

The story of a rowdy group of deaf football players who suddenly regain their hearing after the coach blows his whistle. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Maga Kum Latté"

The story of a group of rowdy sorority girls who work part-time at a coffee shop and fall in love with a nearby football team. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Happy Colleen"

The story of a rowdy teenager who explores life as a sheep-herder in the 1920s. Starring Will Ferrell.

And the award goes to... "Happy Colleen!" Although I still think my cake was better. Anyone want to see it, by the way? I happen to have it right here behind the podium... And, if I may say, it's bloody brilliant! ... No? ... You're missing out! ... You sure? ... Anybody?... FINE.

And finally, it's time for our last category of the evening. Because that's what "finally" means. Hah! See? I AM funny.

The nominees for Best Set Dressing are:

"Shower Horror"

The amount of ribbon on this cake will make your hair curl.

"Choking Hazard"

What it lacks in creativity, it makes up for with explosions and 3D effects.

"Hello Kitschy"

For once in his life, Nicky is actually speechless.

And the award goes to....why, Nicky Ganache! YES! I won! Haha! Suck it, Hollyweirds!!

Um...who are these big burly men coming on stage? What are you...HEY! PUT ME DOWN! And give me back my award! That's mine! MINE, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

[announcer] This has been the Golden Wreckies! Thank you for watching, and good night!

Nicky: [voice fading out] MIIIINE!!

I'd like to thank the Academy, Steve, Kathryn B., Deanne M., Karen B., James, Michael, Sandy B., Brenda J., God, my mother and father... [music swelling] Wait! I'm not finished! My dog Boopsy, my hairdresser Leon, that guy from Cheers...